Driving on a College Campus

Ok now. I love college, but most of the time I try to walk EVERYWHERE! If I can't walk, I take the bus, but now the routes are all different and I end up in the ghetto when I'm trying to go to the library. Not acceptable. So mainly I walk.

But there are times when it is necessary TO DRIVE! Such as 1am driving someone home. I'm not going to walk then and then walk back and get mugged by our larger criminal population which has been rapidly increasing. No, I'm going to drive. But there are still many dangers:

1) Campus doesn't have street lights. That's why there's so much crime because our campus invites it. There's seriously one on a street and sometimes not even that, not at a corner, not anywhere! So I'm just driving along, think there's no one in the road, then BAM! next thing I know I've hit a gaggle of skanks!

2) Bitches be stupid. Seriously, the crosswalk is two feet away from your fat ass, walk to it so then I can at least expect you to be crossing the street. Instead these skanks believe that cars somehow cease to exist after midnight and that they can just run around wherever they want. Bitches...

One of the many obstacles of driving on campus.

3) Bitches be drunk. We're in college, there is a large population that will be drunk after the hour of 10pm. It's usually fine, but later at night, it becomes a nightmare! The kind of drunk people will just walk into your car and then look at you glazed over like you are a hallucination. They might eventually walk around your car but they'll try at least one more time to walk through it.

The REALLY drunk people will do many much much worse things. Some will try to get in your car (pro tip: always lock your doors, no one getting in, no one getting out, mmmm), at which point you have to be like, dude wtf? and then they'll be like, "sowwyr buddo I thaw u wer da buus?" Then they hopefully get out, throw up their contents, and go on their jovial way. But the worst will just walk in front of you and stand there. They'll be standing there talking to a friend or the ground because they want to take a nap and you'll be waiting for them to move. Then they just keep standing until finally you honk or roll down your window and yell at them. Pro tip: never be aggressive with the drunk bitch. A slew of things can happen afterwards: they can climb on your car attacking it for yelling at them, try to pull you out through the window, go get their friends from IHOP to come bust you up (IHOP after 9pm might be the scariest place you ever go... EVER), or just lay down and cry in a puddle of their shame. Any option requires you to back up and take a different route.

Now it might seem like I have been judgmental to the lifestyle of college bitches.... and I have. I have no shame. Have some class and don't whip off your panties in a Chipotle.

Much love.

-Harrison