Bitchy Waitresses

Ok now. I have a lot of respect for waiters and waitresses who have to put up with people's bullshit for little pay. I also find disgust in people who don't tip. But there is one time where I find myself in a predicament.

There are times when I just want to go to a restaurant, laugh with some friends, get some chips and salsa, and then leave. But then our waitress, let's just give her a fake name for future reference, Mabel (or Frederick, men can be bitchy waitresses too),  comes up to us and says, "What the fuck do you want?"

You can imagine my surprise as this rude introduction to our evening but I assume that I misheard her. So I say, "Um, I think we might just get some appetizers and drinks."

Mabel: "Good fuckin' joke. Why don't you waste more of my life?"

Buhhh... what? Again, I must be hearing her wrong. After an awkward chuckle and a look of despair from the others around the table, "Yeah can we just get some chips and salsa and I just want an iced tea."

Mabel: "Iced tea? What the fuck are you, three? You're not going to get an entree and and then you order a fucking iced tea? Who the fuck do you think you are?"

So at that point I have realized that we have received the service of the bitchy waitress. In this case a very vulgar sassy waitress.

So she comes back and drops the chips on the floor and throws the iced tea in my face and at that point I decide, You will get noooo tipppppssssssss... But then I feel horrible because I think of all the reasons behind her sass.

1. She could've had a really bad day.

Mabel could've gotten out of her bed this morning ready to make so many people happy but then her neighbor's cat got into her apartment and shat on her bed. Instantly she is upset but she is determined to not let this kitty shitty ruin her day! After disposing of her sheets she goes to the fridge to get some cereal but she is out of milk. Nothing is worse than that. But she perseveres and eats a handful of raisins for breakfast. She leaves for her first job (she must work multiple jobs because she is addicted to seeing Celine Dion live) and on the way somebody rear ends her and then drives off. She is late to work and her car is wrecked, but she does not have time to deal with it today. At her job, her boss tells her that she is not selling enough lumber so she gets fired. She cries and walks to her second job, at the restaurant. When she walks in she realizes she doesn't have her uniform and they make her wear the spare which smells like a wet dog that likes to urinate on itself.

So then I feel guilty, because if I didn't leave her a big tip she might cry herself to sleep every day for the rest of her life.

2. We could truly be dicks.

Maybe I had a tone or gave her a face. Maybe I didn't realize it. Maybe my brain lives in a parallel universe from what my body does. Maybe when I think I'm being nice I'm really being an asshole! In that case, I've been a pretty awful person for my entire life. I'm sorry Mabel for thinking it was your fault.

3. She comes from a country where they don't get tipped so they don't care about service.

In Europe, you go into a restaurant and they will get you food and then ignore you because they don't care. So it would make sense that she wouldn't care. But then at that point should I give her a tip? Will she be expecting it? I just don't know...

4. She is just a really mean person.

Maybe Mabel is just a horrible person. In that case I have no problem not giving her a tip. If you're going to work with people you should be nice because the customer can ruin your life. So try to be nice.

But then I get worried because if I don't leave a tip she might find me, kidnap me, and then feed me to her cats.

So at the end of the night I give her a normal tip even though she was filled with sass. I go home and think about how awful Mabel is and how awful I am for giving into her torture techniques.

So don't be a Mabel. Moral of the story.

Much love!

-Harrison

*NEW POLL AT THE BOTTOM!*

When People Blame A Company For Their Own Stupidity

Ok now.

There are some rotten companies out there. A lot of greed and evil going around, yeah yeah yeah. But there are some instances when people will make a list of "reasons why this mega-corp is actually evil" and some of the reasons are just plain stupid.

For example: a popular tech company Crabapple runs a popular app and music service aToons (this is all hypothetical of course). This company has a deal where they get a fourth of in-app profit. Some stupid app aimed at kids like Jenny Has Crabs: Return of the Mother Crab is free on aToons but only to a certain point. After that you have to buy new levels or you have to buy new kinds of shampoos that will fight the crabs effectively. Young little Susie loves this game and loves Jenny, she wants Jenny to no longer have crabs and so she buys a super-shampoo pack for $2.99. Soon she wants to find out if Jenny spread her crabs to Bobby and if the Mother Crab is going to return from the grave. She buys a level expansion for $0.99. After three months and millions of dead crabs, Susie has spent $1,200 on this app.

So naturally her parent (who somehow has been oblivious to the fact that her daughter has been racking up crab cash on her credit card) is outraged and calls Crabapple to demand a refund. They give her one, but they also say, "This is a one-time refund. We will not give you one after this." She gets infuriated and talks to some stupid local news station. They report it, it winds up on Yahoob! News the next day. They spin the story into a "10 Reasons Crabapple Is Not So Great."

But let's break it down here: Susie is probably 8 or 9. Her aPog is full of great apps that she downloads at will. If her parents don't notice the bill being more that $50 a month they don't care. She has this sudden free will to buy whatever virtual shit she wants because no one is closely monitoring her aToons purchases. Thus, she has no concept that her 1000 $0.99 purchases are adding up (or she really doesn't care because she is 8 and money isn't as crucial to her at the moment).

But it is Crabapple's fault because they "target the game towards kids and then make them pay exorbitant amounts which is deceitful." No. How does that make sense. Yes Crabapple allows for apps like this to be sold through their store and they take a percentage of the profit, but so does Cyborg, the major competing entertainment for your phone company. And really, the game developer, We're Going To Take All Your Kids' Money Studios, should be to blame here. They are the ones who are making it "kid-friendly" and making certain things pay-only and others "free."

But in reality, IT'S THE FUCKING PARENTS FAULT!

FIRST, how the hell did you not realize your child has spent over $1000 on a handheld game. aToons sends out a receipt every week which means your child must have racked that up in six days or less. Did you not notice they were glued to their device? Did you not ask them what they were playing? They are 8, did you not ask them if it was free and they were spending money?

SECOND, why do they have free-reign with your credit card!? What is to say they won't buy 20-30 apps in one day? There are apps that cost $8-15 and they could just be like "Cool, imma have all the apps and be the coolest kid at church." You should've password-protected that shit and made them come to you anytime they wanted to make a purchase.

That iCarly special where they talk about the dangers
ofletting your preteen boy borrow your credit card.

THIRD, you're seriously going to get mad at a company because you are an idiot? You had a parenting fail that cost you over $1000. Live with it. Scold your child. Make them work for the pay. Move on with life. Instead you're going to shit all over their face?! AH!

It's like when people win lawsuits for burning their mouths while drinking coffee "It never said it would be hot!" IT'S FUCKING COFFEE! You don't buy a knife, stab yourself, and then say "It never said it would be sharp!

Or once I heard of someone suing because they put their RV in cruise control and the manual never said you had to stay at the wheel. WHAT!? WHO!? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU GOING TO DO WHILE YOUR CAR "DROVE ITSELF"!? MAKE A SANDWICH? TAKE A SHIT!? WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALLOWED TO BE IN A MOTOR VEHICLE AT ALL!!?

GAH!!!! I just... I just can't.

So what it boils down to is:

-Monitor your kids spending in this new digital age
-Don't be an ass to a company because you fucked up
-Jenny has crabs

Much love!

-Harrison

Tragedy-Seekers

Ok now. I should start by saying that depression is a real thing and that this is not aimed at depression but more so people who feign having depression because they want attention.

There comes a point when you realize that some people don't really have that bad of a life, they just want to have that bad of a life, because they have NOTHING to talk about with people. If they didn't tell you about their horror-ridden existence then you would just be staring at each other in silence.

What I hate is when you ask somebody, "How's your day?" and they respond "I just found out I have crabs, but not the sexy kind, the kind that eat out your insides for months while you slowly whither in pain. I also accidentally ran over my cat, but it's ok, I really just want a dog, but I'm allergic. I'm also allergic to strawberries, ten kinds of fish, gluten, air, and laughter. My father never loved me."

And I'm like, "All I wanted was a 'ok', 'so-so', or *shrug*! You didn't have to re-write the ending to Schindler's List for me!"

But what is even worse is when people are like, "I am rlly sad. So so so rlly sad." And I'm like, "ARE YOU SO SO SO REALLY SAD THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN TEXT ME YOUR SAD-ASS LIFE TO ME RIGHT!?"

Because what I've learned is:

-When people are really depressed they don't want to talk about it with others. They do not want people to know they are depressed.

-When people want to talk about it, they usually don't text you the gritty details of their childhood or put it up on Facebook and reply with 'lolz.'

Then these tragedy-seeking sad-peeps take exciting moments and make them so so sad for them. "Oh my gosh you like Pokemon? I liked it, but then I couldn't play anymore because batteries destroy the earth and my sperm count and I also got eye disease from my marathons so I was legally blind in fourth grade until my mom got me eye glasses which I broke and lost the spelling bee."

And I can't help but to say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN SAYING!? NONE OF THOSE THINGS REALLY EXIST!?"

Or when people take sad events and make them a personal attack! Such as, "I heard there was a bombing in London. I can't believe the media isn't paying attention to the extinction of buffalo. American media is so fucked up! I'm going to move to Canada."

MOVE TO CANADA! DAMMIT MOVE TO CANADA! Grrrrssss...

I don't even know what else to say. People need to calm down. Life doesn't have to be a battle or a tragedy every minute, so stop trying to make it one.

Much love!!!!!

-Harrison

Tumblr Deceit

Ok now. Whenever I title a post with 'deceit' you know that I am irate. So here are my thoughts on tumblr.

At first I was like, "lulz, tumblr is for hipsters and preteens." Then I was like, "Harrison get over it. Tumblr is pretty cool, and you can discover wonderful pictures of your nerdy interests." Things went well for a while, but then I started to get sucked in to the world of tumblr twelve-year-olds, trolls, and cyber-rage.

I have already discussed trolls. Cyber-rage is this blog with more swearing and disgust. But let me talk about preteens.

Now in the real world, a preteen is somebody ages 10-12 who thinks they're a teenager but isn't. On tumblr, a preteen is everybody who posts text blurbs about their lives 200 times a day. First off, that is what twitter is for. Second, I don't tumble to read! I tumble to see pictures and be a nerdy fan! Third, why are your lives so depressing preteens!?

Example:

My life is so sad
I once had friends but now they all hate me
because I fuck their cats


I hate my dad
He bought me an iPad 2 a day before the new iPad came out
He is a boner


I was sexually molested
by myself
Looking in the mirror is hard


After I finish vomiting all over my computer I decide it is time to unfollow them. One day their life will get better. Or not, I don't even care anymore.

But this is only the tip of the iceberg for the rage that I connect with tumblr. What gets me more than anything is when someone will start a blog and title it footlooseforever and then they will post a bunch of footloose-related things. That's cool, let your abomination of a fandom flag fly you fucking footloose  freak. Anyway, they post all their fun pictures from footloose and you're like, "das kewl, keep on posting these kewl images friend."

THEN THEY BECOME A PRETEEN!

Suddenly Kevin Bacon get's replaced with pictures of One Direction members. John Lithgow is replaced with poetry about cutting onions and how it's the only time you can find true happiness. The girl from Footloose gets replaced by pictures of CATS!

What had been a fandom blog has evolved into the grotesque preteen blog. Soon every 20th post will be about Footloose, then every 50th, then soon you will be lucky if they post one thing a month. It is disgusting. And what is the worst is you don't know whether to unfollow them or to anon them asking them why they're a fucking little twat.

Then you do both. They reply with a "you're just like my step-dad" and then you never are graced by their cyber-presence again.

Tumblr... Bitches...

...

Well that was the biggest first-world-problem of my life. I'm going to go waste more time on the internet.

Much love!

-Harrison